T E X T
The new phone call etiquette
Phone calls have been around for 147 years, the
iPhone 16 years and FaceTime video voice mails about a
week. Not surprisingly, how we make calls has changed
drastically alongside advances in technology. Now people
can have conversations in public on their smartwatches, see
voice mails transcribed in real time and dial internationally
midday without stressing about the cost.
The phone norms also change quickly, causing some
people to feel left behind or confused. The unwritten rules
of chatting on the phone differ wildly between generations,
leading to misunderstandings and frustration on all sides.
We spoke to an etiquette expert and people of all
ages about their own phone pet peeves to come up with the
following guidance to help everyone navigate phone calls in
2023. These will vary depending on your relationship, your
age and the context of the call. The closer you are to
someone, the less the rules apply. Go ahead, FaceTime your
mom with no warning while brushing your teeth.
Tips to help you be a better phone caller:
Voice mails are an artifact of the days before text
messages. If you have information that needs to be
communicated in an accurate, timely manner, you’re far
better off putting it into writing as a text or email.
The exceptions for the no-voice-mail rule are calling
people who would love to hear your voice no matter what
you’re saying, or sharing some kind of audio experience.
Think besties and immediate family members singing happy
birthday, a dispatch from friends at a Taylor Swift concert or
a simple “I love you.”
If you have a long juicy story you want to tell,
consider sending it in a voice memo instead. It’s the best
medium for a monologue.
Calling someone without warning can feel stressful to
the recipient. Instead, text them ahead of time to ask if
they’re free to talk now, if they can you call when they’re
free, or if they can pick a time they’d like to chat. If it’s
someone you call regularly, find out what their ideal times
are, like after work or only on Sunday afternoons.
Wording and context are key for these pre-call texts.
A simple “call me” text can feel urgent and make someone
think there’s an emergency. Clarify if it’s urgent or just to
catch-up. If it’s about a specific topic, mention it in the text
what it is you’d like to talk about so they can be prepared.
These steps are especially necessary for video calls.
Catching someone on video at an unexpected time can be
embarrassing for all involved. You should almost never start
a FaceTime or other video call without warning.
You don’t need to answer the phone. The
responsibility isn’t only on the person dialing. Just because
someone is calling you out of the blue does not mean you
have to pick up. If you’re in a restaurant, using the bathroom
or in a meeting, mute the call and get back to them at a
convenient time. “We all have control of our phones and can
decide if it’s the right time to answer it,” said Lizzie Post,
etiquette expert and co-president at the Emily Post Institute.
To be even more polite, send them a text.
Smartphones will let you send an automated text response
when you can’t answer.
Many things don’t need to be a phone call at all.
When you’re trying to decide on the best method of
communication, consider what it is you want to say.
Anything requiring nuance like opinions or emotional
matters are best done over the phone, including arguments,
catching up or connecting on a personal level. Factual
updates, coordinating plans or anything that is more cut and
dried often work best in writing. If something is complicated
and will drag on too long as a text chain, go ahead and ask if
they can talk.
“Nobody has a good fight via text message,” says
Post. “I get that sometimes it feels better to fight via text
because you’re not actually confronting the person, but you
get through it a lot faster on the phone.”
If someone doesn’t answer your call, do not hang up
and immediately call them again.
If they have not responded
to your text about the call they missed, do not send them an
email about it. If it is an emergency, clearly state that right
away in a text message.
Voice mails are dead. Long live the video voice mail.
Apple recently introduced a new feature in its iOS 17 update
that lets you leave a video message when someone doesn’t
answer your FaceTime call. It’s silly and fun and should be
used that way, but keep in mind not everyone will find them
delightful.
It’s generally considered bad form to use
speakerphone in public. Whether it’s a regular call, video call
or smartwatch call, use headphones or save it for later.
Headphones only solve half of the problem, however, as
people still have to hear your side of the conversation. If
you’re in a crowded area, like an office or store, be aware of
other people’s personal space and your own volume.
Video calls in public are also a sensitive issue. There
are strangers around you who did not consent to being on
camera, and they might also see something they’re not
supposed to on your screen. Frame your shots accordingly.
Phone calls aren’t dead! While hopping on the phone may
be less common or involve more planning than it used to,
it’s still a wonderful way to communicate. Talking to a
person in real time can strengthen relationships, improve
mental health and lessen loneliness.
Adapted from: https://www.washingtonpost.com/2023/09/25/
As to the rapid changes in the implicit rules/norms of
phone communication, some people may feel bewildered
and misunderstood, and this frequently happens when there
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